7 Tips for Connecting with Emotionally Unavailable Partners

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How to Connect with Emotionally Unavailable Partners

There are many ways to understand and find strategies to cope with emotionally unavailable partners but context matters. We are going to review 7 ways to understand your emotionally unavailable partner and strategies you can use to cope and connect with them. 

1. Context Matters

What's the reason the partner is emotionally available? Are they going through mental health issues? Physical health issues? Grief from the death of a loved one? Work stress? Are they enraptured in their other non-monogamous relationship and not prioritizing their other relationship(s)? 

2. Trying to Communicate

Regardless of the context, transparent and tactful communication about how the emotionally unavailable partner is affecting you is crucial. Putting one's emotions at the forefront of conversation helps prevent us from criticizing our partner, which might create more emotional distance. The Gottman Method emphasizes "The Gentle Startup," where you use this template to communicate your emotions and needs: "I feel [an emotion] about [this situation], I need [a clear, concise solution]." Although this alone may not resolve the issue, it's the stepping stone for healthier conversations and long-lasting positive change.

3. Benefits of Therapy

If that's hard to do or not enough, having a relationship therapist mediate the conversation and disrupt unproductive and often detrimental communication patterns can make a significant impact. The couple's therapist can provide and teach communication skills you can take with you after therapy. 

4. Changing Expectations

Sometimes we might ask for more than a partner can give, or what we need from them isn't as straightforward as we think it is. Instead of saying, "I need you to pay more attention to me," ask, "do you have 10 minutes to talk?" Or instead of criticizing by saying, "you act like you don't have time for sex anymore," figure out with your partner what they have emotional space for since usually not having sex means not having penetrative sex. Maybe that's kissing, cuddling in peaceful silence, or giving/receiving a genital massage. Especially if your partner is emotionally unavailable because of a specific and possibly temporary situation, if we can adapt to the problem by changing the expectations in the relationship, that can help both of you maintain your connection to each other through the chaos. 

5. Attachment Style and Emotional Connectedness

Sometimes a partner can be emotionally unavailable because they have an avoidant attachment style, and the relationship is caught in an anxious-avoidant trap. The anxious-avoidant attachment trap happens when the anxious partner's (the one who isn't getting their emotional needs met) attachment system gets hyperactivated and starts to panic. Those panic behaviors then overwhelm their partner, who then uses that reaction to justify their avoidance and pushes their partner even further. Thus, making the anxious partner more insecure about the relationship. In the anxious-avoidant attachment trap, taking a step back, softening the approach, and changing the expectations can also help to stop the vicious cycle. 

6. Seeking Support Elsewhere

Suppose your partner is emotionally unavailable, and you want to stay in the relationship while working towards improving the situation. In that case, getting your emotional needs met in other ways is often helpful. Especially in a monogamous relationship, we can depend too much on our partner for fulfillment. Who are other people in your life around to offer that fulfillment? If that's hard to answer, then focusing on fostering deeper relationships in your social circles is essential. No, I don't mean to have an emotional affair with someone. I mean, recognize that being part of different theme-oriented communities -- spiritual, exercise, hobby, passion projects, etc. -- can revitalize you and free up the pressure your partner might feel to be your primary source of connection. 

7. Seeking Support From Within

Of course, we want our partners to be emotionally present for us and consistent with that presence. If you and your partner have been arguing about this issue for a while now, and they keep saying, contrary to what you believe, that they are trying to be emotionally available, then maybe this is a valuable opportunity to learn to be more self-reliant. Differentiation work in couples therapy is a way to help partners understand how their relationship has become too enmeshed over time. It also supports the people in the relationship to find their identity to become more individualized. Having the freedom to be oneself, independently explore our interests and safely return to the relationship is a key component to a healthy and secure relationship.

Reminder: Being Emotionally Unavailable doesn’t make you a bad person

There are reasons why people become emotionally unavailable and is also something that is possible to change about yourself, if you want to and are ready to do so. Remember that being open and having those conversations can be difficult, but they are a great first step into moving out of this situation. If you think a sex therapist could be of help, email hello@passionlabpgh.com to book a consultation with me.