A Lack of Sex Isn’t The End All Be All
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Lack of Sex: Q&A with a Sex Therapist
A lack of sex shouldn’t be seen as the terrible thing that society has pushed us to think. It isn’t something that is “incurable.” We will walk through some of the big questions people have when a lack of sex creeps up and how to handle the situation.
Is a lack of sex always a bad thing?
A lack of sex isn't a bad thing. Sexual desire ebbs and flows depending on the context and stressors in one's life. It becomes a problem when one partner wants more sex than the other, and their sexual or physical connection needs are unmet.
How can a couple identify that a lack of sex is negatively impacting their relationship?
Signs that indicate that a lack of sex is becoming a problem differ depending on who wants sex less or more. The person who is less interested in sex may feel frustrated, irritated, guilty, pressured, or overwhelmed by their partner's asking for sex or having to navigate unwanted sexual advances. For the person that wants more sex, they may feel frustrated, lonely, rejected, guilty, or undesired. Notice that I used the same feeling words for both types of partners. The same feelings about the situation might come up for each couple but for different reasons.
Are there any common issues you see that typically cause a sex drought?
Sex droughts are likely to happen over the long span of a relationship. In the beginning, usually more sex occurs because all these endorphins and other neurotransmitters in your brain create passion and longing. At some point, you build a tolerance for all those natural chemicals, and what was once easy sex takes work. Keeping that erotic flame alive gets even more complicated when you add children, work stress, and bickering about who's responsible for what household labor into the mix. A lack of sex education and barriers to having a comprehensive understanding of sexual expression doesn't help either.
Do you have any tips for how couples can overcome this obstacle?
Recognizing that a sex drought is normal is essential to help ease the feelings of shame or worry that something is wrong or broken about the relationship. Effective communication is key to overcoming the drought. Also, learning more about sex and changing the expectations around what sex is supposed to be can help significantly. Sometimes sexual pain, especially for vagina owners, can create an aversion to sex when left untreated. Figuring out why sex is painful might mean seeking medical attention or talking to a sex therapist.
What should a couple's first step be to break the cycle of a sex drought? Why?
Talk about what's happening-- or not happening-- in a headspace of curiosity. Ask questions to understand your partner's feelings and what they might need from you to help make sex a better experience. Each person acknowledging and taking accountability for what they contributed to the drought helps reduce defensiveness.
How can a couple proceed after that first step?
Sometimes people need support from a sex therapist to talk about their sexual relationship, and that's okay! Couples can get stuck in unhelpful communication patterns that a therapist can help disrupt. A sex therapist can also help myth bust what couples think they know about sex, provide factual information based on the latest science and research, and expand a couple's sexual repertoire.
After a sex drought, what steps can a couple take to help them stay intimate?
Keep communicating, keep checking in, and from time to time, try something new to keep things interesting. Don't let sex get too routine, or it might get boring. You probably won't want to have sex that isn't worth having.
A Lack of Sex Can Be Resolved
If you are struggling with a lack of sex in your relationship, remember that being open and having those conversations can be difficult, but they are a great first step into moving out of this situation. If you think a sex therapist could be of help, email hello@passionlabpgh.com to book a consultation with me.