Tips from A Sex Therapist on Long-Distance Dating

Hands holding a heart to signify a long distance relationship through the phone

Long-Distance Dating is Hard

Whether or not to try long-distance dating is a difficult choice and depends on the circumstances as well as each person’s needs. I think some relationships can work well being long-distance. With these tips and tricks, it might even foster a better relationship. 

Establish Relationship Agreements.

Being clear on the expectations while long-distance dating is essential, so communicate, communicate, communicate. Even things that seem obvious or common sense need discussion. Don't assume your partner knows to text you good night or that you want to hear from them throughout the day. Do your best to compromise on agreements that satisfy both of you. The more an agreement aligns with our values, the more likely we can uphold them. 

Also, note agreements are not the same as rules. Rules are meant to be broken, as they say. Agreements should come with flexibility and recognition that circumstances might be more complex than the agreement initially accounted for. 

Of course, you will not be able to plan for every situation. Having the foundation set for discussing when difficulties arise will help long-distance relationships stay sustainable.

Be Honest About What You Need.

It's easy to want to be "chill" and "go with the flow" about dating long-distance because you don't want to overwhelm your partner or make them think you can't handle it. The reality is that being honest with what you're feeling and what you need from the relationship will save you both unnecessary stress and a build-up of resentment. This might mean renegotiating the relationship agreements you've already established, and that's okay. 

Gottman Couples Method: the “Gentle Startup” 

The Gottman Couples Method talks about the "Gentle Startup" as a way to tactfully talk about your needs in a way that can reduce defensiveness from the other person. It goes, "I feel [an emotion] about [this situation]. I need [a clear, concise solution]." 

For example, "I feel sad and scared when I text you and don't hear back from you for hours. I need us to figure out when we're both available so we can talk more directly." Although this alone may not resolve the issue, it's the stepping stone for healthier conversations and long-lasting positive change.

Be Clear About Sexual Expectations.

It might be awkward to talk about, but hopefully, knowing your partner's thoughts on the subject can be reassuring and give you a chance to get on the same page. Some possible questions to ask: 

• Is it okay to date others while separated? 

• Is kissing someone okay as long as it doesn't turn into sex? 

• Is sex okay as long as it doesn't turn into love? 

• Do you want to tell each other if you're hanging out with someone of the same gender you're sexually attracted to? 

• Is watching porn an acceptable way to manage sexual arousal while apart, or would you instead send provocative images or videos to each other for source material?

Be Open and Supportive Toward Your Partner's Grief.

As hard as you try to do it all perfectly, sometimes during long-distance dating your partner may experience a lot of grief related to being away from you or feeling disconnected. It's easy to want to offer reassurance or try to make your partner feel better, but that can come off as invalidating. 

Listen to your partner's feelings with an open mind and from a place of curiosity. Ask questions to understand their feelings better; this will also give them a chance to feel heard. Instead of saying something like, "we knew this wouldn't be easy," say, "I can understand how lonely you are. I can hear in your voice how much pain you're in. This is hard."

Tend to Your Partner's Love Languages

Gary Chapman first wrote about the 5 Love Languages: quality time, acts of service, gifts, words of affirmation, and physical touch. Although physical touch is unavailable while long-distance, tending to your partner's other love languages is sure to compensate for it. 

Acts of Service 

For acts of service, order their lunch to be delivered to their office or hire a cleaning service on their behalf, knowing they're having a busy week. 

Gifts

If you've ever had a package delivered to your door, you know the joy of receiving something in the mail. Deliver them flowers or delectable chocolate with a note expressing how much you love and miss them. 

Words of Affirmation

Randomly text your partner and tell them you've been thinking of them, or send them a handwritten letter. 

Quality Time

Go on a virtual picnic or Facetime while walking the dog. Even though you're far away, with the help of technology, you can still feel close. Pick a movie and watch it together via a watch party app. 

Setting aside time to talk to each other virtually will help you stay connected. I suggest phone or video calls. Although texting is a way to talk and share about each other's lives, it's heartwarming to see or hear one another. 

Avoid Prime Social Hours.

Of course, spending time with your long-distance partner is worthwhile and meaningful, but so is maintaining social circles and attending events that help to improve connectedness to the place you're living.
If you're trying to set up a virtual date night on a Friday at 6pm, that might seem like the perfect time to spend together if you were in person, but it might not be the best time when living apart. Inevitably, either one of you will be in a tight spot when a choice has to be made between declining an invite to a board game night or keeping the plan to call each other. 

Try to avoid those situations by finding times of the day less likely to be at odds with other social options. Remind yourself you still love each other, but being able to also spend time with family and friends is necessary too. 

Remember Long-Distance Dating Flexibility.

Long-distance dating is not easy and comes with its unique set of challenges. Remember that life happens. Sometimes things come up, and plans change. Trying to be flexible and understanding when your partner can't call or meet up for that virtual date night will make it easier for both of you.