Mindful Sex
This article was originally posted on a previous website I owned, published 9/11/2017.
Photo Source: Angela Taylor from Unsplash
Breaking It Down
In media, sex is portrayed as wild, seamless, and mind-blowing. The reality of sex is not that easy. It takes a lot of work.
Us modern people, we're busy. We have a lot of distractions coming at us, and we [think we have] learned to manage it all. When we're hooking up with our partner(s), often our minds are fogged with other thoughts: work stress, to-do lists, disappointment at our bodies, how much time is left before the kids realize you're gone.
In these moments sex isn't fulfilling. Our bodies are on autopilot. We're going through the motions, but we're detached from our bodies, our partner(s), and our pleasure. Is this kind of sex worth having? For those who value quality over quantity, absent-minded sex can be severely disappointing.
This can impact our relationship with our partner(s). It discourages wanting sex in the future, expecting intercourse to be just as unfulfilling as times before. We're not communicating our wants because we're not registering what our body is telling us. We can't hear it saying what it wants more of. Our sexual needs are not being met. We're just doing.
What is the alternative to this?
One way is to be more mindful during sex. Easier said than done, I know, but to enjoy sex to its fullest potential and feel connected to our partner(s), we need to get back into our bodies.
Here are some suggestions for how:
Prepare
Instead of getting down to business for the sake of it, give yourself time to get ready. Quickies and spontaneous sex are fun but this post speaks to a different kind of sex, the type that becomes more common in long-term relationships after the endorphin rush of a new, sexually charged relationship is over.
If being fresh and squeaky clean creates the mood for you (vs. the smell of bad breath huffed down your face) then take a shower, brush your teeth, or wash your face. This will help you physically, mentally, and emotionally scrub off the weariness of a long day.
Engage your senses
Bring as many of your senses into your sexual encounter as you can; make it part of the foreplay.
Sound: If you are hearing-abled, play music that will get you in the mood. Or maybe it would be erotic and suspenseful to remove all sound. Sound deprivation will heighten your other senses. Not knowing where the other person is, then suddenly feeling their touch on your hotspot, so yum.
Touch: When was the last time you thoroughly explored your partners' body? What about your own? We're so quick to go straight to the genitals, but there are other sensitive, erogenous areas of our bodies that are just waiting to have a finger brush past, a gentle kiss, or even some rough love. For the kinky side of you that likes to be tied down, bring out the rope. Other fun ways to send shivers down your spine: Grab a silky garment from your dresser, or the flower sitting in a vase. For more intense sensation grab an ice cube from the freezer, or buy body safe candle massage oil. As the person being touched, focus on this feeling and help your partner navigate to places that would feel even better.
Taste: Cooking a nice (light) meal for your partner is a great way to make them feel valued and pampered. It sets the mood and eases you and your partner(s) into a romantic night. Enjoying delicious food across from your partner(s) will help you to direct yummy thoughts at them. A light meal is helpful so that you don’t leave the meal feeling overstuffed and ready for a nap. Other kind considerations are not including overly strong flavors, like garlic, or heavy fried foods that cause you to feel heavy and fried. If you or your partner are sensitive to food breath just give your teeth a scrub and hit the bed fresh.
Smells: Light candles, or use a dab of alluring essential oil to encourage deep exploratory breathing. Deep breathing oxygenates your blood, sending more oxygen to your genitals and increasing blood flow. More blood flow = more sensation. For those who are chemically sensitive, also communicate this with your partner.
Sight: For some people, looking into bright lights is overstimulating during sex. Dim the lights or play with sight deprivation by wearing a blindfold. This is similar to sound deprivation; it helps to heighten your other senses.
Stay present
When you notice your thoughts floating in a direction other than what you're doing, reorient yourself back into the present.
Have Trauma? It’s okay.
For people with trauma, communicate with your partner(s) if certain things are triggering. If seeing facial hair reminds you of your abuser, tell this to your partner so you can discuss the possibility of shaving. The same goes for smells, whether it's a particular perfume that brings you back to your trauma or the smell of alcohol on their breath. Those who’ve experienced physical and/or sexual abuse may have places on their body that are off limits to touch. This might be the neck, face, or bum (think being choked, smacked, or spanked non-consensually). To know your triggers requires an awareness of self. It’s vital to your sexual and emotional safety to know these triggers are and be comfortable enough to communicate them.
These are Just Suggestions
The suggestions I’ve made are just that, suggestions. What works for some does not work for others. The goal of this blog post is to help provide a starting point for engaging in better, more mindful sex. Sex is messy and experimental. When trying something new, it may not flow as expected. And that’s okay! The (s)exploration is part of the fun.