Navigating Intimacy: A Sex Therapist's Guide to Opening Up Conversations

Let’s Talk About Sex Baby, Just You and Me:

As a sex therapist, I encounter clients, specifically those in relationships, who are nervous about talking to their partners about sex. Usually, the reasons it's hard to talk about sex, they say, is because:

  1. It's never been part of the conversation before. The people in a sexual relationship are fearful of what may come of bringing up sex, or maybe they're not sure what to say.

  2. Or, when they try to talk about sex, the conversation spirals out of control, leaving them feeling even worse off for trying. What was at first an attempt to make changes to their sex lives is now argument and rejection fuel. 

  3. There is fear of being judged, shamed, or treated like a sex addict as a consequence of expressing their sexual wants.

Regardless of the reason, sex, and talking about sex, is now a danger to the harmony of the relationship. It makes sense that it wouldn't be worth talking about anymore. At least, not alone.

The Therapeutic Approach:

Working with a sex therapist helps to open up the dialogue around sex. By having said therapist mediate the conversation and provide education, clients are in a better position to slow down the conversation, hear each other in a more meaningful way, and learn how to think about sex differently. 

Obviously, as a sex therapist myself, I want to encourage people to seek out therapy. And the sooner, the better. The more issues build up in a relationship, the more there is to tease through, process, and heal. That can take time and money and be emotionally taxing for the individuals within the relationship. With that said, if working with a sex therapist isn't possible right now, there might be ways to try to help the conversations along. 

TV Shows as Conversation Starters:

There are so many great TV shows or movies nowadays that depict sex or talk about sex in valuable ways. You can start with silly shows like Big Mouth or historical dramas with a heavy sex theme, like Bridgerton. This can be a great way to just start asking some questions without going too deep. Instead, you are treading through the shallow area to start getting comfortable with talking about sex more. 

Some other shows that come to mind are (in no particular order):

  • Sex Education (Netflix)

  • Masters of Sex (Showtime)

  • How to Build a Sex Room (Netflix)

  • Bonding (Netflix)

  • Ted Lasso (Apple TV)

  • Sense8 (Netflix)

  • Pen15 (Hulu)

  • Easy (Netflix)

  • Wanderlust (Netflix)

  • Grace & Frankie (Netflix)

Am I biased toward Netflix, or has Netflix done better than most streaming services to depict sexual diversity? Not sure. And to clarify, these shows don't necessarily portray sex and relationships perfectly, but they're icebreakers into learning about each other's beliefs, values, desires, and boundaries around sex. Having something else to focus on, like a TV show and its characters, can help people separate themselves from the topic. 

Podcasts for Road Trip Talks:

Spending a lot of time in the car together or taking road trips are great opportunities for deeper conversations. Maybe next time you go on a road trip, you can put on a podcast that’s sex education focused. Some podcasts like Death, Sex & Money talk a lot about a lot of different things, but sometimes have specific episodes around sex. Other podcasts, like the Come As You Are Podcast, are solely focused on sex and relationship topics. 

I also have a podcast, called the Sex & Podcast, head up though, the topics tend to be pretty heavy.

An easy way to open up conversation here is by asking things like “What did you think about the episode?” or “What feelings came up for you during that episode?”

Some other sexuality related podcasts that come to mind (in no particular order):

Communication is the Key

Communication is the key to a healthy and fulfilling relationship, and this extends to discussions about sex. Whether seeking the guidance of a sex therapist or exploring creative ways to broach the subject at home, opening up about intimate matters can lead to a deeper connection and a more satisfying relationship. So, why not make watching TV shows, movies, and podcasts a tool for sparking those essential conversations? After all, navigating intimacy is an adventure best taken together.

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