Using the Try Guys to Teach Clients BDSM
As I write this, I'm on a train from Pittsburgh to Philadelphia and in a cheerful mood, so I am bringing my whole personality into this article. Hopefully these articles help t give you a sense of who I am as a therapist; as potentially your therapist. Traveling by train, by the way, is a wonderfully scenic experience (and comfortable! So much leg room). I highly recommend doing so if you've never traveled by train. Maybe if there were more train goers, it would convince this country's government to invest in high-speed rail systems to improve public transit between cities. I'm an optimist.
The Try Guys Try Impact Play
When clients tell me they're interested in trying out impact play but are nervous about hurting their partner, I immediately think of The Try Guys.
But first, to back up a moment and explain some things:
What the hell is impact play?
Impact play is a phrase used to describe any sexual activity involving abrupt contact with a person's body/skin. Examples include spanking the tush with a hand, being whipped, or body bunching. If you're having a reaction to any of these examples, sit with it for a moment. What are you noticing coming up in your body? Where? What do you think about someone who does things like that to a partner or wants it done to them? How do you feel thinking about this? Maybe you're excited by the idea, or maybe you're repulsed. Whatever the sensations, thoughts, and feelings are, continue to try and notice them.
As Seth Rogan aptly asked, "What's a Try Guy?”
The Try Guys is a video production company that exists mainly on YouTube. Their content focuses on, as you might guess, trying things. Typically the videos feature an expert on the subject they're trying. The cast uses this expert's guidance and knowledge to help them along as they comedically engage in whatever they're trying to do, never taking themselves too seriously in the process.
Why The Try Guys?
Now that I've explained a bit about these two things let's talk about why I'm thinking about The Try Guys in the middle of a therapy session. In one of my favorite (and most relevant to my career) videos of theirs, The Try Guys have a professional dominatrix, Mistress Justine Cross, hit them using three different tools: a flogger, paddle, and a cane.
What I love about it is that they're all clothed, it's not pornographic, and it's not even, at least in my mind, sexual. Instead, it's funny and informational. The humorous personalities of the cast help what would be in a different context sensitive and explicit (the impact play), be digestible instead. The video has a sex education component by way of trivia questions. So, even though people may have watched for the flogging silliness, they're also learning. What I think the video has to offer, from a sex therapy perspective, is the opportunity for the general public to see what clear consent and communication look like when engaging in impact play. It normalizes that impact play can be fun, silly, and, yes, sexually gratifying when done in a sexual context. All of that being portrayed for the 1.6 million people who've watched the video, who may not necessarily see themselves as kinky or into that kind of stuff, is fucking fantastic.
What to Learn From This Video
Consent
Throughout the video, Mistress Justine Cross asks for everyone's consent before proceeding. She also explains what they can anticipate about each impact tool (flogger, paddle, cane). She warms them up to the sensation of it first before gradually escalating. Again, all while checking in (2:58 minutes into the video).
Communication and Care (Done With Skill)
Mistress Justine Cross models what being in a dominant role can look like. This is especially important for people who are socialized to be passive and don't have much experience with being more active in how they speak, flirt, and behave. Mistress Justine Cross does this all while still showing care and concern for her submissive participants, asking questions like, "Does it hurt? Does it tingle?" (9:33) and adjusting based on their responses, "On a scale from 1-10… What do you want it to be at?" (9:55). Nothing about her checking in is disruptive to the moment or kills the mood. Clients often voice being taken out-of-the-moment if they communicate in-the-moment communication, regardless of whether it's kink-related. She moves and speaks with a sultry confidence that reminds her submissives. She fluidly goes between holding power and control as a Dominatrix and giving her submissives the understanding, and showing us as the audience that, in reality, they have power and control too.
Measuring Subjective Pain
The last skill-based takeaway from this video is measuring the pain inflicted. To those who may flinch at the idea of pain and perceive any pain during sex as harmful or abusive, I want to offer some perspectives. First, not all intentionally inflicted pain is abusive. Ever gotten a deep-tissue massage? That hurts-so-good feeling is what some people seek out during impact play. Ever got pummeled playing sports? Certain sports and the correlation to traumatic brain injury aside, people accept the inherent risks of engaging in physical activity all the time. And it's typically socially acceptable to do so. Kinky sex happens to be socially unacceptable. There is a significant and impactful difference between pain we're consenting to and pain we're not. There is a deliciously fine line between pain and pleasure for those who are consenting to pain and enjoy it, even if it does cause discomfort as it's happening. At the 13:18 minute mark in the video, Keith, one of the cast and a co-owner of the Try Guys, says he "feels so much joy" while receiving his turn of the impact play. Walking that line with a sexual partner you trust, have communicated with, and worked out safety protocols can profoundly connect, heal, and have the euphoric, quality sexual experience one seeks.
But how much is too much pain? That's where turning the subjective and qualitative experience of pain into a quantitive and easier-to-understand measurement comes in. In the video, Mistress Justine Cross asks The Try Guys to rate the pain on a scale of 1-10. 1 being not painful, 10 being "so hard you would 'Mercy'" (9:55). After getting a sense of the answer for each participant, Mistress Justine Cross modifies what she is doing to ensure she is not overstepping anyone's boundaries or causing pain they're not consenting to. By doing this, her impact play tools become an extension of her body. She can have a relative sense of what is happening for the person receiving the impact, even if she is not experiencing it herself. She even pays attention to and looks for what could be a potential trigger. Eugene, another cast member, and co-owner, mentions that as a child, he's been hit by a stick before at the hands of his immigrant parents. She laughs light-heartedly but then makes sure being hit with a cane isn't traumatic for Eugene, asking if he wants to proceed (20:27).
In conclusion
The ingredients of consent, alluring communication, and moderating pain are what I want to help my clients build skills around. Sharing this video with my clients and now you, dear reader, is one of my favorite ways to do that.